at home

"You were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from these of a man. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of man. The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and the skills to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man. The conventional wisdom of the day would have you be equal with men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level."
-President Ezra Taft Benson

via M.I.M.

since i was 16 years old i have always always had 1-3 jobs at any given time.

i've never NOT had a job, before leaving a job i always had one lined up somewhere else.

for the last 5 years i've been a manager of anywhere from 5 to 105.

i learned to be tough. i laid off 15, fired 1, had countless uncomfortable conversations, been chewed out, and learned quickly to leave my emotions at the door.

part of my innate femininity turned into a ruthless productive business machine.

as i negotiated the terms of my maternity leave at my current job my heart was heavy.

it was looking like i'd have a 6 week unpaid maternity leave, only to come back and work late hours while my husband left whatever job he was doing early to be with the baby at home.

it was not ideal, but we were prepared to make it work.

in the midst of this negotiating i had a real break-down.

i came home from work one night and sobbed. sobbed so loudly that i am sure the neighbors heard even though i was buried in russ' chest. i hadn't cried like that in years.

the emotions i learned to bury at work were spilling out all over my kitchen floor.

i wanted so badly to contribute financially to our growing family that

i had pushed away my true feelings.

there i realized where my heart truly was.

it was not at an 8-5 job, it was not bossing around a team, it was not in a budget meeting.

all i wanted was to be home.

but how?

little did i know that it was already being taken care of for me.

so here i am. a month earlier than i planned, at home.

little did i know that i would be offered a better case scenario than i could even dream up.

do i still have work to do? oh yes.

but it gets to be the work that i choose, that i love, and that i am passionate about.

and it won't separate me from my biggest job of all-- being a mom.

it was confirmed to me once again (i forget sometimes)

that if you let the righteous desires of your heart be known, your prayers will be answered.

i am still unfolding the layers of different blessings this huge change in my life

contains, and i'm sure i won't ever know the whole picture but i have such

whole-hearted peace that this path was created for me to become the woman God intended.