30!

So I had always told Russ I wanted to get to Paris before I turned 30. We made our anniversary trip sort of centered around that (sadly he's probably used to our lives revolving around my craziness) so of course I always lumped my 30th in with that excursion. I told everyone I didn't want or need a thing. But he still pulled strings with all my friends to make one more special surprise to ring in the next decade! Vegas! I can't really think about how much effort it took collectively for so many of my friends to come to another state with and without kids, getting sitters, husbands staying home, etc etc. So kind and gracious and we had the best time! Here's some pics!

One amazing serendipity was Lindsay being in Vegas all the way from Florida the same weekend! We spent a day with her and it was so fun. We've been friends for 15 years and getting to see her a couple times a year is always so great.

Breakfast at Bouchon. HOLY COW. It was incredible. We also at at BabyStacks (hole in the wall in the middle of nowhere) and it was I swear just as good. But Bouchon has that French vibe and that Benedict and dang.

A night to Nobu. So good. I'll be back to get the Tempura Rock Shrimp and I'm sticking to rolls next time and skipping the sashimi - I just can't help it - the ROLLS!! I wish we had more to go around! 

Cosmo Pool. Total meat market and hilarious to watch all the drunken fools. We love staying at the Cosmo because the food is amazing so you never really have to leave, but the Bellagio pool is more my speed.

We discovered Face Swapping and had a whole lot of fun with that. Also paper face masks one night. Frightening!

A night to STK and then Marquee night club. HILARIOUS. A promoter stopped us and gave us VIP passes. So we said why not. Walking passed the line of people with my big pregnant belly literally changed into my nightgown dress and flip flops got some looks. We had a blast dancing the night away. We had a couple urchins, one was a married woman who wanted us to protect her while her husband got her a drink. She kissed me a couple times on the cheek and loved showing me pics of her boys and making me hold onto her hand and spin under it. Oh jessica! 

A day at the Bellagio pool. So beautiful and serene. Amazing sandwiches and virgin mojitos poolside. 

They had this multigrain croissant ham sandwich thing that was killer.

22 week belly! I am so happy I have this pic I know it will be a treasure for years to come. Stretch marks and all. It commemorates my favorite job and all that comes with it.

I told my friends my plans ahead of time - for my 30th I wanted to buy myself something special to commemorate. Something I would never normally splurge on but could wear until I was 87. Something to remind me of hard work and dreams and that unquenchable side of me that loves a good outfit. I sort of always knew it would be Louboutins. But, I didn't think I would be in a pool coverup with a trucker hat. I had much classier images in my head, but it was still so fun to do with my buddies. They made it extra special with all their ooh-ing and ahh-ing. I still haven't worn them, but they make me smile sitting in their box. Also, I was shocked that I went down two sizes from what I thought I would wear. The guy behind me was so helpful and made me so glad I had the experience in person and didn't just click "buy" online.

 More eating - Shake Shack! I got a peanut butter + chocolate shake that will never leave me. I tried to recreate the experience at Holstein's with their (virgin) Drunken Monkey shake which was also amazing. Russ is a gambling man, but we always joke I am not cut out for it. Every time he's up even $5 I'm like "Pull your money, let's go!" But this time I totally gambled. Being still nauseated and sick and staying up super late eating super rich meals at all hours of the day. So I had a couple rough nights and actually threw up the two most expensive meals of the trip. I gambled and I definitely lost! Too funny. We also ate at China Poblano and loved it which I have no pics of. But KILLER guacamole.

Also I don't want to forget my epic friends - Nicole who planned the trip, coordinated all the meals, took charge when 5 girls were distracted. I loved seeing her cut loose and have a good time on the dance floor. She's always a blast to travel with and makes the experience so fun and so much easier, takes a million pictures without anyone really even noticing. She is such a generous and nurturing soul.

Shelly who literally was not coming until the morning of. She pulled out all the stops and patchwork sitters together the entire time. Must've been so stressful but everything is better with her around. Her impersonations and stories are my favorite. Her heart is so close to the surface and she loves deeply and isn't afraid to show it.

Bri who brought Posey, Posey who was a rockstar that we hardly even knew was there. Bri who was the most chill laid back and easy going human when she had every right to be otherwise with a baby in tow. She's so supportive and loving and always there for me. She teaches me something new every interaction I have but I am sure she was never trying to. She just bubbles with good ideas.

Kim who I could spend every minute of the rest of my life with and not grow tired. Quietly hilarious, chill as a freaking cucumber, not showy but everything she says and does is worth watching. 

Kayti who builds us all up, who makes you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. Who has such a beautiful heart and always shows me a better way without even realizing it. We have so much in common but seeing how she handles some of the same trials is always so comforting and inspiring to me.

We all loved that we could talk about literally anything, surface on down to the deepest parts of our hearts. Spritual, political, fashion or our digestion. Doesn't matter. Such a good crew! 

d-day

I wrote this post about my miscarriage on December 7th, for Small Fry last month but am trying to keep the best record of life here as I can, still as well, so wanted to move it over and add some more details. First of all, my boys were so wonderful. Of course Russ included. The handful of people knew that I was pregnant were so supportive and excited for me. It felt as real as any pregnancy. There were some sacred and special moments where I felt someone was nearby looking over me, wanting to join us, but knowing that they needed to wait, that the body they'd be joining wasn't right. Maybe another boy, that I think of often.

My doctors weren't sure if I was miscarrying or if we just had my due date really, really, wrong so there was a full week of blood tests and going back and forth to appointments. It was a roller coaster. The first appointment they couldn't find a heart beat, which at 8 weeks isn't totally uncommon, but more importantly, the sac looked absolutely empty. They thought maybe I was only 4 weeks so they ordered HCG tests. (I had a positive pregnancy test at 5 weeks, so I was totally skeptical, but after a blessing from Russ saying something to the effect of "Your faith will determine how this goes" trying to be faith-filled. Got my HCG test back and the levels were super high. Like either I was carrying 4 week gestational twins, or my body was still pumping HCG into this Blighted Ovum. They had me do the test again the next day, only 6,000 units higher (instead of doubling every 48 hours like it should.) And then again in 48 hours only 1,000 higher. Basically they tested me right as my body started to taper the hormones off. Then we had to determine what to do: D&C, let it figure itself out, or take Cytotec to induce labor/miscarriage. I opted for Cytotec. I laid in bed for a whole day and was lucky that the event wasn't too uncomfortable. I feel really, really grateful that it was  Blighted Ovum. That there wasn't a body to mourn. It was just a genetic precaution, and something that happens all the time whether we know it or not. I'm glad I was gently let down in that way. 

Here's the boys at one of several trips to the hospital that week, so sweet:

and the post I wrote:

Earlier this month I found myself staring at a big screen TV's image of my empty womb. "Where is the baby?" I trembled, expecting to hear that horse galloping heartbeat and a tiny adored bean. I went to my 9 week appointment solo, as I insisted, because I avoid being high maintenance at all costs, and assured my husband that he was more needed getting our boys dressed and fed at home (instant regret on that one.) As the OBGYN and Midwife talked at me of next steps, possibilities, statistics, its-not-your-faults, my mind drifted off. My thoughts were dark and treacherous, and then in an instant shards of light broke through. Like those montages in movies, a slideshow of events shuffled in front of my eyes. While someone, I believe to be a loving Heavenly Father, whispered to me, "I could not protect you from this, but Emily, look at your life." My little family's happy and healthy smiles, our able bodies working hard toward learning, goals and dreams. I had taken for granted something so basic yet critical as my family's health and safety for the past several years. Families all over the world fight for the things I rarely gave a second thought to. I was instantly filled to the brim with gratitude. I stifled back sobs not just for this empty sac, a Blighted Ovum, but for the miracle that two healthy children, ages 3 and 4, truly represents. I can't conjure up a memory where I have felt more loved or protected than at that moment in the most unexpected of situations. It didn't always stay with me through the long weeks since, even walking from the exam room to the elevator felt bitter and lonely. Happy framed pictures of women with bulging bellies seemed to be mocking me with every step. That day I joined the quiet ranks of women, who 30% of the time they try, have to mourn the loss of what and who might have been. It scooped out another level of compassion and understanding that I could not arrive at any other way and will Take It With Me into 2015. So now, saying see ya later! to a roller coaster of a year, there is definitely One Thing I'm Leaving. And that is the complacency I settled into that life is anything other than a wonderful miracle. An adventure I am so fortunate to be able seize every day. Living in a place with the freedom to do and say what I feel, to spend my time at home, to share my ideas with you, to feel safe in my own skin, is a luxury that I don't want to take for granted in 2015.

i'm such a photobooth hog.

i was just going through the Smilebooth feed from the Road Rally we hosted for Small Fry and started noticing a trend...

is this my inner middle child, maybe?

alright hackworth, you win.

Brooke

the panel!

the Katie.

front row far right...

this last photo is by Katie Sokoler, who arranged an impromptu balloon fight after her keynote. because, why not?

there were also quite a few unsavory photos i found while browsing the flickr feed. i should never be photographed while talking. or maybe i should learn to talk in a way that doesn't look like i'm trying to devour the participants. oof!

ALT!

i know we'd all rather see Alt through Justin Hackworth's lens than my shattered (darn you Cal!) iPhone, but hopefully it will suffice for now!

 since they asked Small Fry to speak super last minute (due to a drop out) we could only get one ticket, and Nicole and Jenna were given temporary passes to come up and visit for my panel. let it be known i was heartbroken to do this alone. we really are such a team in every sense of the word, and it just didn't feel right without them!

but, regardless, it was such a wonderful opportunity that i tried to milk bone dry...

welcome to Alt, Emily Frame.

wednesday night, dinner with sponsors, drinks with all the speakers, then stuffing goodie bags for my panel's session the next morning.

f21 top, necklace and faux quilted jacket, h&m pants (super super skinny so my mom helped me to put in these coral pink zippers, and now i want to wear them every day!) and STEVEN by Steve Madden pumps.

thursday morning,

panel time. insert MC Hammer quick feet side to side dance moves.

a room of close about 100, my panel mates and i talked about getting passed zero, or starting a blog from the ground up. i spoke about being yourself, and as far as i can tell i spoke coherent english, which was a wonderful surprise. so nervous.

Jenna and Nicole got stuck in the ice storm of the century and missed my panel by about five minutes. we all cried in the hallway like idiots. it was an emotional morning to say the least. 

they were so nice to come up and take me to a birthday lunch at Pizzeria Limone. we wholeheartedly recommend!

banana republic blazer, charlotte russe bib necklace, h&m faux leather pants, jeffrey campbell platforms. more on the t-shirt in a minute!

then they came back that night to party and go to an another awesome dinner with a crazy awesome company that we'll be sharing soon on Small Fry! dinner at the New Yorker was insanity. so delicious!!

here we are after the clue party with our partner in crime Jill.

JCrew top and skirt (lifesaver Nicole!), Dear Lizzy feather slip, and franco sarto heels.

friday morning,

more classes, in which i learned so many great things, and sponsor meetings all afternoon. 

we saw Katie Sokoler and Stefan Sagemeister who are basically the same person just male and female. 

both spoke about taking risks and how living life for yourself and forgetting about what others think of you has made all the difference. 

just matching from head to toe with my friend Becky.

Zara leather shirt, h&m plaid pants, Sam Edelman Petty boots, a pretty awesome faux/vintage chanel bag i thrifted for $1, nordstrom beanie.

one of my dumber moves was making my own Radarte t-shirt. literally everything went wrong with this darn project, but i finished it up 10 minutes before i had to leave and i love it. 

friday evening.

then i helped my buddies set up for their Girls With Glasses + Method + Smilebooth party room with the most awesome mod theme. we were a little high on fumes, but i just love those girls. talking music and fashion, and family and what else on earth do i need?

 Alt was this incredibly odd incredibly exciting incredibly exhausting experience, and i am still tired because of it. 50 hours in 4 days! but i have 50 hours worth of memories. womp womp womp. can i be impeached from my own blog, because i earned it with that joke.

were you at Alt? i'd love to see your own round-ups!

grab our free print and see what i've been up to over at Small Fry today, there's more fashion to be had over there for those of you who've asked.

and finally! muffin got me a lens for my birthday so we're back in photo action! phew. thanks for hanging in here with me. 

fry faves / 1

with all the content i've been churning out with the Small Fry team, i feel like not sharing it in this space would be such a tragedy. this is such an enormous part of my family's life these days, and it's gotta go on the record. i'll try and post behind the scenes stuff too, so it doesn't feel redundant for all of you who have come with me over to Small Fry (thanks for that by the way!)

shopping at Koo De Ker

my go-to look when i'm in mom mode. (and Jenna and Nicole's too)

 darling projects, adventures, and one on one time with my boys:

5 things to do with your 15 month old

 yogurt dots!

 stills from the most amazing video, time to get a full frame family film done. Jenner slays it.

 and one of my favorite posts from the last month. 

oh, and we're giving away a mini iPad. NBD... just kidding, MAAAAJOR.

*a* H.H.H.

well, i told you i'd let you know when the video i made with the craft pack for a hip handmade holiday was going live, and today is the day.

you can watch it here!

i did it one take, so let's keep that in mind.

also! here are some of the profesh photos taken from the weekend. how relieved are your eyes to see a decent photo 'round these parts? i know mine are.

here's a huge group photo of all the bloggers and that the Craft Pack flew in to play with their awesome book. a big thank you to their team, especially Nicole and Heather for making sure i finished my craft on time and Cayleen for some emergency status salad dressing removal. 

Jen - Tatertots and Jello, Susan - Freshly Picked, Shelley - House of Smiths, Alison - The Alison Show, Nicole - Making it Lovely, me - Small Fry, Nicole - Elsa Bags, Heather - Milkglass and Honey, EZ - Creature Comforts , Liz - Cotton and Curls, Natalie - Nat the Fat Rat, Cayleen - Walls by Mur

the craft pack and smallfry:

outtake from the video, how rad is the wall art installation? it's Walls by Mur, and they're selling at bijou in a couple weeks! we're so pumped.

me and Jennifer from the flawless blog A Merry Mishap.

don't ever try to take a candid of me with my knowledge (oxymoron?)

 or you'll get this. sorry weston.

 just hobknobbing with Christian Nielson, the nicest. Nie Nie too.

congrats Craft Pack, so much talent and success to be had!

read Small Fry's review here, and buy your $10 book today!

weekend whirlwind

 before i got to enjoy Russ & my seven year wedding anniversary i had a little craft marathon to run. in the figurative sense. 

my two good friends Alison and Susan are lethal dreamers. i say that because i think we all have big dreams, but they say "why the heck not, let's do it." and it's so inspiring! early next month they have the most impeccably designed, on-trend, progressive e-book of crafts for the holidays coming out called A Hip Handmade Holiday. they flew in a small handful bloggers from around the country to come test it out for the weekend and were gracious enough to invite Small Fry! it was a weekend of the royal treatment and i have a few scrounged up instagrams to prove it. dismal, i know!

it all started with a welcome dinner at Sundance. i sat next to Nie Nie forpetessake. it was a lovely evening and i caught up with old and met some wonderful new friends, too. 

Liz of Cotton and Curls and cuddling up after a delicious dinner.

the next morning each blogger made a craft from A Hip Handmade Holiday and then filmed a segment with Sus and Alison. you'll get to see that piece of movie magic in a couple weeks. [cringe!]

i made the Book with Pop! pop-up book and i currently carry it in my purse, not to show you my cute boys, but to show you my proud craft baby. 

i was so thrilled beyond to have my favorite, Natalie Holbrook by my side all weekend. she made a killer Gucci-esque leather catch all that i'm sure she'll be showing off, too.

that night we partied til the break of 11:30 and ate incredible mini-food (tiny chicken and waffles that i was slayed dead over) and mingled with the best crafters and bloggers around. i finally had my Small Fry ladies by my side and life was good. i know that i'm the luckiest to have a job that involves my kids and two of my dearest friends. i know.

Vivint sponrored the whole weekend and our so incredibly generous and giving to this community of creatives. so when you saw #thanksvivint everywhere, that's why!

the book launches in a little over a week and we'll be sharing all about it then, but like i said it was a whirlwind weekend and saturday was the perfect ending to it. 

more on our anniversary later!

thanks to @jmrammell @nicolecalleen @natthefatrat @thecraftpack for these instagrams!

♡ on sleeve

oh man, what a week. what a month or two, really. it's been awhile since i just sat down to write, and i am needing it today, hope you don't mind.

when i was 19 some seriously stressful things were happening in my life and i was diagnosed with anxiety, which seems silly because virtually everyone has anxiety on occasion, but for me it was different. my heart was beating at peak performance level for cardio exercise 24 hours a day, no lie. i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, but was exhausted. my hair was falling out, and my eyelids twitched like a bugger. i remember sobbing in my bed one night worried that i was wearing my heart out, running it to the ground. that my own heart was wishing it was in someone else's chest. someone who could keep it together.

i remember sitting in a psychiatrist's office and him telling me i'd need anti-anxiety medication for the rest of my life. i tried the meds for a week and hated the way i felt, so i flushed them and forced myself to really dig deep. i worked so hard on my life to remove the things that caused me anxiety. i set boundaries, removed relationships, stopped exercising, even stopped setting morning alarms and checking my own voicemails when i realized every time i did the adrenaline started surging. went off caffeine completely and never looked back. things got better. and while i still had the occasional panic attack, and i still had events that triggered my anxiety, it was manageable. (luckily the dr. was wise enough to offer me a take as needed med that i use every few months when the symptoms get out of control.)

for those of you who deal with runaway train anxiety you know how it is. you can't tell your body to calm down, you can't just take a deep breath and wish it away. it doesn't know the difference between "a hobo is chasing you with a knife, RUN!" and "i found $100 in my old purse, i'm going shopping!" fear and excitement cause the same reaction, at least for me.

my poor body. there's been hefty doses of both lately. luckily, when i'm not taking care of myself in that way, i can't avoid it, the physical manifestation is as effective as being pansted in public, you just have to pull those suckers back up. while i love and welcome Change (it seems to usually bring along its most necessary brother, Growth) my insides feel like the million dollar sticky. 

my life and my family's lives have taken a completely new path, one i never anticipated, but we're happy and we're excited to see what it may bring. we found ourselves in the matter of a month back in the house we didn't see how we could keep putting money into (raise your hand if your house is worth more than you paid for, that would be an easier number to count i think) both our extended families and closest friends are going through huge changes, ranging from hopeful to devastating, and i'm feeling it along with them. my whole world just feels different.  i feel older, and i feel a little bit more soulful. 

part of my uncontrollable excitement has been devoted to the amazing support we've received for Small Fry this week. i can't believe it only launched a week ago, it feels like 10 years. here's a recap of the last week:

stamped pants, mini pies, jam sale, interview with a superhero, nature scavenger hunt, painted shoes, chalkboard pumpkins, and a gorgeous video. see it all here.