oh man, what a week. what a month or two, really. it's been awhile since i just sat down to write, and i am needing it today, hope you don't mind.
when i was 19 some seriously stressful things were happening in my life and i was diagnosed with anxiety, which seems silly because virtually everyone has anxiety on occasion, but for me it was different. my heart was beating at peak performance level for cardio exercise 24 hours a day, no lie. i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, but was exhausted. my hair was falling out, and my eyelids twitched like a bugger. i remember sobbing in my bed one night worried that i was wearing my heart out, running it to the ground. that my own heart was wishing it was in someone else's chest. someone who could keep it together.
i remember sitting in a psychiatrist's office and him telling me i'd need anti-anxiety medication for the rest of my life. i tried the meds for a week and hated the way i felt, so i flushed them and forced myself to really dig deep. i worked so hard on my life to remove the things that caused me anxiety. i set boundaries, removed relationships, stopped exercising, even stopped setting morning alarms and checking my own voicemails when i realized every time i did the adrenaline started surging. went off caffeine completely and never looked back. things got better. and while i still had the occasional panic attack, and i still had events that triggered my anxiety, it was manageable. (luckily the dr. was wise enough to offer me a take as needed med that i use every few months when the symptoms get out of control.)
for those of you who deal with runaway train anxiety you know how it is. you can't tell your body to calm down, you can't just take a deep breath and wish it away. it doesn't know the difference between "a hobo is chasing you with a knife, RUN!" and "i found $100 in my old purse, i'm going shopping!" fear and excitement cause the same reaction, at least for me.
my poor body. there's been hefty doses of both lately. luckily, when i'm not taking care of myself in that way, i can't avoid it, the physical manifestation is as effective as being pansted in public, you just have to pull those suckers back up. while i love and welcome Change (it seems to usually bring along its most necessary brother, Growth) my insides feel like the million dollar sticky.
my life and my family's lives have taken a completely new path, one i never anticipated, but we're happy and we're excited to see what it may bring. we found ourselves in the matter of a month back in the house we didn't see how we could keep putting money into (raise your hand if your house is worth more than you paid for, that would be an easier number to count i think) both our extended families and closest friends are going through huge changes, ranging from hopeful to devastating, and i'm feeling it along with them. my whole world just feels different. i feel older, and i feel a little bit more soulful.
part of my uncontrollable excitement has been devoted to the amazing support we've received for Small Fry this week. i can't believe it only launched a week ago, it feels like 10 years. here's a recap of the last week:
stamped pants, mini pies, jam sale, interview with a superhero, nature scavenger hunt, painted shoes, chalkboard pumpkins, and a gorgeous video. see it all here.