10.04.2012

♡ on sleeve

oh man, what a week. what a month or two, really. it's been awhile since i just sat down to write, and i am needing it today, hope you don't mind.

when i was 19 some seriously stressful things were happening in my life and i was diagnosed with anxiety, which seems silly because virtually everyone has anxiety on occasion, but for me it was different. my heart was beating at peak performance level for cardio exercise 24 hours a day, no lie. i couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, but was exhausted. my hair was falling out, and my eyelids twitched like a bugger. i remember sobbing in my bed one night worried that i was wearing my heart out, running it to the ground. that my own heart was wishing it was in someone else's chest. someone who could keep it together.

i remember sitting in a psychiatrist's office and him telling me i'd need anti-anxiety medication for the rest of my life. i tried the meds for a week and hated the way i felt, so i flushed them and forced myself to really dig deep. i worked so hard on my life to remove the things that caused me anxiety. i set boundaries, removed relationships, stopped exercising, even stopped setting morning alarms and checking my own voicemails when i realized every time i did the adrenaline started surging. went off caffeine completely and never looked back. things got better. and while i still had the occasional panic attack, and i still had events that triggered my anxiety, it was manageable. (luckily the dr. was wise enough to offer me a take as needed med that i use every few months when the symptoms get out of control.)

for those of you who deal with runaway train anxiety you know how it is. you can't tell your body to calm down, you can't just take a deep breath and wish it away. it doesn't know the difference between "a hobo is chasing you with a knife, RUN!" and "i found $100 in my old purse, i'm going shopping!" fear and excitement cause the same reaction, at least for me.

my poor body. there's been hefty doses of both lately. luckily, when i'm not taking care of myself in that way, i can't avoid it, the physical manifestation is as effective as being pansted in public, you just have to pull those suckers back up. while i love and welcome Change (it seems to usually bring along its most necessary brother, Growth) my insides feel like the million dollar sticky. 
my life and my family's lives have taken a completely new path, one i never anticipated, but we're happy and we're excited to see what it may bring. we found ourselves in the matter of a month back in the house we didn't see how we could keep putting money into (raise your hand if your house is worth more than you paid for, that would be an easier number to count i think) both our extended families and closest friends are going through huge changes, ranging from hopeful to devastating, and i'm feeling it along with them. my whole world just feels different.  i feel older, and i feel a little bit more soulful. 

part of my uncontrollable excitement has been devoted to the amazing support we've received for Small Fry this week. i can't believe it only launched a week ago, it feels like 10 years. here's a recap of the last week:


stamped pants, mini pies, jam sale, interview with a superhero, nature scavenger hunt, painted shoes, chalkboard pumpkins, and a gorgeous video. see it all here.

14 comments:

Gretchen Walker said...

Loving Small Fry! And glad you took a little time for yourself this morning. You deserve it.

Emily said...

you are awesome to share. thank you. i get this. a lot. and congrats on small fry! it really is amazing!

bonnie forbragd said...

Thank you for sharing this post! And thank you for Small Fry! We are loving it in our household!

Walker said...

What a great post. I love that we get the inside view to you and not just to your life (there's a big difference). Small Fry is awesome - I've already sent it around to so many friends who are new to you!

Topsy said...

Really sorry to hear all that! I can understand to a degree, and your list of things that you did to start feeling better is a good reminder to me to take care of myself more and eliminate the things that might throw me over the edge. Cheers to your new change, and cheers to Small Fry! I like it and I'm not even a mom.

carl and em said...

love this em, i can totally relate in the anxiety area. it is so overwhelming at times but you are doing a great job. i think about you, your sis and your family a lot and hope you're all doing well! loving the new small fry site, such great ideas!! good luck with getting settled in, hopefully we'll run into you sometime soon :)

aubry. said...

every blog reader appreciates a good gut spill, em. hopefully it was therapeutic for you to write it as it was refreshing for the readers to read its honesty!

meg conley just wrote that "activity absorbs anxiety". maybe a move and some small fry and bij will absorb some of those heart pounds. xo

Meagan Rigney said...

Hope getting some stuff off your mind makes you feel better, it always does for me. Loving BOTH your blogs and the little niche you have carved into the world:)

Julie said...

Thanks for sharing! It's always therapeutic to share and read these thoughts, and the need is symbiotic. Love your blog! Love small fry!!

Hilary de Lisle said...

Thank you for this post, it was so honest and sincere. I relate with the anxiety, it's a challenge and a journey. I am so impressed with you though! And I adore Small Fry!

Silvia said...

Sometimes you read the right thing at the right moment. Thanks, Em. <3

emily+brett said...

i feel like i know you so much more deeply after reading this. you and i both share anxiety but mine comes hand in hand with depression. i also used to be medicated for depression but hated the way anxiety meds made me feel. i just wasn't me. my heart still beats uncontrollably over the most minute of details. i wish i was a clean freak but i just can't be otherwise i literally would beat my heart into oblivion.

thanks for sharing this struggle. it helps me feel like i'm not alone. you always seem so put together and ambitious all the time. it's inspiring so thanks.

charity said...

i realize that this was a few days ago, but call me if you want to talk! xoxo

tahnie said...

i know this is an older post, but i just wanted to say i really admire you. thank you for being REAL. ;)

xoxo.

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