collin

On October 20, 2020 Russ and I left our kids with my mom to go to Salt Lake City for our 15 year anniversary. We took Woody with us, got lunch, got pedicures, went to dinner and had the best time. While we were at HSL a super hot dinner spot, Coldplay's Fix You played. Since the restaurant was super hip you can imagine the playlist. All new indie rock bands, most I hadn't even heard of before. And then a 15+ year old song by Coldplay. A song played by Collin at our wedding nonetheless. We just smiled so big and laughed to ourselves. What were the odds? Typically we'd even joke about how Collin could barely reach the high notes, but this time we just felt happy and grateful for that special little nod to our wedding day 15 years before. Then we went back to the hotel. Russ gave me the most beautiful diamond band and we had put Woody down and were just settling in. 

I got a call from Cindy Brown. Super weird. I answered it and it was Quincey. Speaking a mile a minute saying that Collin had passed out while they were watching TV that she had to call 911 and that they couldn't get him to breathe. And that they took him to the hospital. It all felt so surreal, I would never have thought from that call that he was gone already. I just told her it was going to be okay and she was so brave for calling the police, and that Collin was going to be okay.

Then Cindy took the phone and I could tell was walking away from the chaos. She said his heart stopped. I immediately collapsed to the ground a cried. But even still, she said that they took him and they were working on him. Panicked, but still full of hope, I said I would go to the hospital right then.

I thought just to go see if he was okay and then I'd come right back.

Russ even called Chris because we just were so confused at what had actually happened. Chris said his heart stopped and he didn't know any more than that.

My phone was going to die so I begged the concierge for a cord to bring with me in the car, pacing the lobby while they searched for one. I called Bethany and told her I had no answers but that Collin was in the hospital and they were trying to revive him. I told her to hurry to AF hospital.

Then I finally got in my Jeep and sped through the freeway. I hit horrible traffic in Lehi and it was stop and go for 20 minutes or so. My legs bounced and my mind raced.

PLEASE ANYONE BUT COLLIN PLEASE. I prayed so hard. I cried my eyes darted around I felt like I was going to explode. 

Ashley called me then. "What do you know?"

Nothing. I don't know anything. His heart stopped?

He's gone, Em. 

The next few minutes became very familiar to me. It was a series of sounds and words that I would come to hear again and again over the next 24 hours. 

What??

NO NO NO NO NOnononononono.

And then crying so painful it could only have come from a split heart.

Not Collin

Anyone but Collin

How can this Be

PLEASE no. GOD NO.

I said it all.

I sobbed and swerved and screamed so loud my voice was gone.

My insides felt like they were collapsing, I couldn't even hold up my chest, sinking into myself falling into the steering wheel.

WHY GOD WHY

I finally got to the hospital, to the ER, and through tears and a mask

Where's my brother,

My brother died.

The brought me to the room, and there he was. Gone.

I buried my face in his arm

I begged him to breathe.

BREATHE COLLIN BREATHE

PLEASE BREATHE

Still warm. Still wearing his bracelets.

Then all the same things I said to Ashley,

I heard my family to say to me. 

Always the same.

It's funny how everyone reacts the same way.

Russ brought Woody down in an Uber. 

When there was nothing more to say or do, Camille called and told us to come to Liz's.

"I think you should be here."

We stayed til the early morning hours.

Being with the kids how could they sleep?

After they watched him die. 

After they watched the police try and revive him.

Watching his body slump onto the floor. 

Quincey reenacted it with so much detail I knew she'd never forget it.

Neither will I.

We talked about it all, and about nothing, too.

All I could say to Liz is "what the fuck?"

The funeral was excruciating. But so sweet and so amazing to watch the strength of Liz and the kids.

A super small intimate experience, just for her and the kids. No one unsafe or unwelcome.

Liz, Avery, Quincey spoke. They did amazing, had us laughing and crying and inspired.

The kids will light the way. 

Bethany asked to speak, I was asked to pray. I had said everything I needed to when I wrote the obituary and a few from-the-heart instagram posts, I'll put them at the bottom of this. Maybe my best work. Maybe the reason I learned how to write in the first place. So I could honor him in this way.

Bagpipes - come thou fount, danny boy, here comes the sun.

Balloons

Doves

Heartbreak. 

Obituary

COLLIN KARTCHNER, MY BROTHER

Collin Stanley Kartchner was born a mere 14 months after our sister Charity, two weeks early, but still at an impressive 10.5 pounds. He started walking at 8 months. He was racing to this world. Ready or not here he came. He ran at this pace his entire life, and put 100% and 100 mph into everything he did. 

From an early age he excelled at most things he tried. Swimming, cello, piano, baseball. Even his baseball socks were the #1 worst smelling thing ever. A born winner!

Collin was the biggest tease you’ll ever meet, whether it was lynching my barbies over the diving board, or giving me a complex about my chicken legs. He could dish it all day, but he could not take it in return. All his feelings were always so close to the surface. He’d cry at commercials, hold and coo over all the babies, and pet every dog in a mile radius.

He used humor to get him out of uncomfortable situations and his wit was like lightning. He could also cut you to the quick just as fast, and if you ever had a tongue lashing from Collin you know. And you’re probably shuddering right now.

Collin cared deeply for his family. He taught me to ride a bike when no one else could seem to. When I totaled his Jetta, he never even got mad at me. Just wrapped me up in a hug and asked if I was okay.

He made everything more exciting. He’d wake us all up at 3 am on Christmas Day basically squealing for us to get up and open presents. I’m guessing that’s why Santa started leaving stockings on our beds, trying to satiate Collin and give the elves a little more sleep. Opening stockings in a pitch black night is one of my favorite memories. When we would doorbell ditch gifts for less fortunate families he would dress in all black and cartwheel, army crawl, and do all his ninja moves to the door and back. I just ran and laughed.

When Collin was in high school one of his friends, Camille Brown had just lost her dad and he went to her house to check on her and help out. He could always seem to cheer her up, so she thought she’d send him to her little sister Elizabeth to see if he could do the same for her. Sure enough Liz was quickly laughing and brightened right up. Her megawatt smile and her green eyes captured his heart and he took her on her very first date. They dated after high school until it was time for him to go on his mission to Taipei, Taiwan. The very same place both our brother Chad and dad went. 

I was devastated. I cried for weeks. But he was the best missionary, he changed the hearts of Taiwan and baptized many. When he got home he and Elizabeth got married and ventured to college. Collin struggled in deciding what he wanted to do, what to be. Nothing seemed to fit, or work out, and I remember wishing the right thing would come along for him, something he truly loved.

Despite being at jobs he hated, he still worked so hard and gave it his all. He always made sure to pursue things he loved on the side, and he even had a stand up comedy phase. He made us all laugh til we cried. He loved being active. Cycle classes, triathalons, swimming laps, goat yoga, he’d even go with me to my high fitness classes, saving me a spot every morning. One dude in a room of 75 women and of course he “woot-wooted” louder than us all.

He supported his growing family as Avery, Quincey, Lola and Myles entered the scene. Of all the things Collin is good at, being a dad is #1. He is their world. He made them each feel so incredibly loved and special. Whether it was cheering the loudest at Avery’s choir concerts, bringing a cowbell to Quincey’s soccer games. He knew every step of Lola’s dance choreography, and the very last thing he did on this earth was cheer on the Dodgers with Myles. He was everyone’s favorite uncle, too.

The last day we spent together, he met me at the pool and helped me with my kids, I was still overwhelmed with 4 and didn’t dare go alone. Taking Raleigh down the slide 15 times, swimming with the baby, chatting about life with me. And then prepaying for 50 snow cones. News traveled fast, and soon the line was out the gate of kids suddenly craving shaved ice. He just laughed in the corner to himself.

As my dad so perfectly put it, Collin didn’t choose his ultimate career, it chose him. In fact we couldn’t have handpicked a better one if we tried. Everything about his life thus far led him to that moment, prepared and qualified him, and he took the challenge. His tender, at the surface heart, his quick wit, his deep love and care for others. His generosity, and his love of what is right and good. He perfected his public speaking at the comedy club. He saw firsthand what social media and smartphones can do to a person, as the first person he had to change was himself. Albert Einstein said “the measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Collin course-corrected in so many ways the last decade or so, aligning himself more closely with who God knew him to be.

For all the amazing things Collin was able to accomplish, he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. And he paid a great price in return. Long hours, days, weeks away from his family. Devastating losses, heartbreaking stories at every stop, he took on the darkest parts of this world head on. It wasn’t uncommon for teens to message him that they were thinking of ending their life that night. He’d reply by offering to send them one of his merch hoodies and that he needed to get their address.

The kids must have been confused, it’s not really the answer you’re hoping for when you’re crying for help. But he’d use that address and he’d send the police to check on them, alerting their family of the issue and saving many lives.

I remember one day Collin called me in tears, he didn’t give me any details he just pleaded “Em, promise me that you won’t give your boys their own smart phones. Promise me.” He saw the effects first hand every single day. And he is the voice of reason and love we all need. 

If there are any perks of Covid, one might be that Collin was given the gift of several months at home. No traveling, just time with his family. Time to help Liz pursue her own dreams and going back to school for her Master’s— she was taking an online quiz the day before yesterday.  She will be able to support their kids and change the world, too. 

This gift of time changed Collin into an even better version of himself. I’ve never seen him so present, engaged, and with such laser-focused priorities. His kids got the very best of him. He was at peace. He’d spend 12 hours a day this Summer fishing at a local pond. His feet balanced on sharp precarious rocks, he didn’t even flinch. He was so zen, just smiling and fishing with his kids. 

If there is one of so many, many things he taught and I want to carry with me, it is to be unafraid of who we are called to be. To become aligned with what God knows of us. As a wise man said “Pray to see things the way God sees them and then see what happens in your life. I dare you.”

INSTAGRAM POSTS

Fix You

People probably don’t realize, but Collin is an amazing musician (save some talents for the rest of us.) He composed piano music, sang in the church choir and led the primary music for years. Guitar, cello, ukulele, you name it. ⠀
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When I got married in 2005, Coldplay had just released “Fix You” and I was obsessed with it. I kept harassing him to learn it on the piano. And then at our wedding he surprised me and played and sang it for me. It has the register for a prepubescent altar boy, but he did it anyway. And I bawled.⠀
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Fast forward to 10.20.2020, Russ and I are at our 15 year anniversary dinner eating at this hip restaurant (HSL, go it’s so good) and it’s playing banger after banger, all new indie rock songs that I’d have to secretly Shazam under the table. And then all the sudden, Fix You comes on. And we look at each other and we just smile. What are the odds? How amazing! It made us so freaking happy. ⠀
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I didn’t know until later, but it was playing just as Collin left us. And to me, it’s clear as day. It’s not a wedding song. But it was a big bear hug 15 years in the making and it has brought me so much comfort. ⠀
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Lights will guide you home⠀
And ignite your bones ⠀
And I will try to fix you.⠀
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Man on a Mission

We’re all seeing his effect now, so you can imagine his effect when he dedicated 24/7 to the cause he believed in most. He served a two year service mission to Taipei, Taiwan for our church and at the time, you leave your family and you can write letters and call on Christmas and Mother’s Day. That’s it. Your day to day schedule is devoted to studying scripture, serving others, sharing the message of our church, working with those interested to join and, if all goes well, baptize them to be a member. In a notoriously uninterested country, Collin seemed to change hearts in droves. ⠀
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But in order to do that he had to leave his family (and Liz, they were dating for awhile by now!) for two years. You all know our side of the family is complicated and messy. We put the fun in dysfunctional. It has been for many years, and Collin was my rock through it all. The one I could turn to, forget my troubles and have a laugh. When he left in 1999, I was 13 and inconsolable. I cried every day for weeks. ⠀
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Tarzan was the movie of the day and Phil Collins gave us “You’ll be in my heart.” I recorded it to a tape and listened to it over and over and over, crying into the carpet. I harassed him via letters if he had heard it (are we seeing a theme?) and when he went to the airport to fly to Taiwan I got a phone call at the house. ⠀
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“Hello?” ⠀

“...Come stop your crying, it will be alright...” 😂😭⠀
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His voice sings through the receiver. And we both cry. I cry because I want my brother back. He cries, I’m sure, because he’s scared, he is stepping into the unknown, and he knows what he has to do. ⠀
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His mission is bigger than than me. I know that now. It doesn’t make it better, I would happily keep him to ourselves and deny all the good he can do. I’m angry. But now his endless talents know no limits. He is unbound, he is all love. ⠀
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Let him work in you. Let his message change your life. Know that he (and I) believe in a loving God, and even in all our crazy, our family will be together again. I wish it were tomorrow. #lovelikecollin

The Very Best Last Day

The last day Collin and I spent together I had texted him to see if Quincey would come to the pool with me. I was still in the weeds having my 4th baby and didn’t feel up to the challenge to take them swimming alone. He wrote back, “YES! But we’re all coming!!” 🤍 Just him and I and our kids. ⠀
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He took Raleigh down the slide 15 times at least. Swam with the boys, wowed them with his diving board tricks (a jack knife right under the lifeguard getting them drenched was his specialty) and then while he thought no one was watching headed over to the concession stand. ⠀
He prepaid for 50 snow cones and then went to the corner to laugh to himself. 😆 News traveled fast and soon a line of stoked kids trailed out to the gate. 🍧 There are moments when I slip into shame that the last day we spent together was 2 months ago. Sure we texted memes like it was our job, but it’s not the same right? How did I let that happen?! But then, I have to shake myself, and then I am overwhelmed with gratitude. It was the very best, last day.