i'm just wondering...

**warning: this is not announcing anything. i am merely taking advantage of the wisdom and experience of the diverse group of people that may be reading this.**

russ and i always said that we wouldn't put a time limit on starting a family.
that when it was right, we'd go for it.

over the years "right" has turned into a laundry list of things. obvious ones like, i'd be graduated, we'd have a house...
the most important qualification was that we would have the whole communication thing down-- we'd learn what buttons to push to put the other over the edge, and then never ever push them again. neither of us wanted a home where anyone yelled, or nagged, or nitpicked. we wanted our home to be a place where we could be ourselves, respect each others' opinions, moods, needs and if we disagreed it doesn't need to be an argument.
just a discussion.

3.5 years later i can honestly say that we're there. i feel like russ and i have the kind of marriage we’ve been working for-- one where the laughs far outweigh the tears and those “discussions” come but once a month...
usually the first week of the month (if you catch my drift)

slowly one by one we’ve checked off the items on that laundry list, all that’s left is my graduation, set for december of this year.
but, after all that planning, organizing and controlling we still have one looming variable that i can’t control or plan… a baby.

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for health reasons, the pill was out of the question, and has been for more than a year. somehow, we didn’t have our first pregnancy "scare" until this last thanksgiving. we were on our way to thanksgiving dinner at my parent’s house and i was super anxious and 15 days late.

my heart raced, and i finally broke down and told russ to swing into the walgreen’s for a pregnancy test.

we stared at the long row of options, occasionally catching each others' eye, his eyebrows raised, my eyes like a deer in the headlights. i wanted the cheapest one, he wanted the most expensive. we settled somewhere in the middle and walked hand in hand to the check-out.

the cashier looked us up and down. i felt so young. i started biting the inside of my cheek and we walked out to the car. we drove the long stretch of road in nervous silence.
i looked at him out of the corner of my eye.
his eyes were glazed over, deep in thought, but his lips were upturned.
he was smiling.
my eyes welled up with tears, images of a baby in his arms, singing him (or her) to sleep with a pride and softness i saw in him at our wedding.

we finally pulled up to the house, and walked in. we were greeted by a huge group of family members. i tried to pull away to get to the bathroom, but it took twenty minutes just to say hello to everyone.

finally, a lull in the action. i caught russ’ eye from across the room and walked into the guest bathroom. my hands shook, i ripped open the cardboard, russ read the instructions in a whisper. while we waited i said, “i’d be happy if it was positive”, russ said, “me too.” after what seemed like an hour, i peered over the counter top, my heart sank. negative.

with eyebrows raised and the deer in the headlights look once again we went back to dinner, back to life as usual. i was surprised that i was disappointed, i thought i'd be relieved.
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when all things fall to place, your relationship is solid, you feel mature and knowledgeable, you know it's what God wants you to do and the list is all checked off...

how do you know if you are ready?