3.10.2011

march 2010

To My Hayes,

I am sitting with my jaw dropped because here I am writing your 12th monthly letter. You are one year old today! When I started these letters I figured when you were one, I would stop publishing them to my blog. While you are my little baby, your story is mine to tell. As I see you growing into a boy before my very eyes, your story is becoming your own. You live out loud and need little help from me.

thrifted tee, gap jeans, h&m high tops
I can't help but revisit this very day last year. I started my morning off with a trip to my Grandma Miki, your Great Grandma. She is a therapist and someone I have turned to for help and advice and tools to improve myself since I was young. She is such a great listener, and I went to her a few times before you were born specifically because I was worried about some things. Worried that my anxiety would take over if you cried too long, worried that I wouldn't know what to do or how to help you if you were sad. Worry, worry, worry. She listened to all my rational and irrational fears and helped me work past them. 

On this particular morning I was going to her so she could record a labor relaxation tape for me. Her voice always calmed me and I wanted it to be her voice telling me to relax and breathe. We did our relaxation session, she handed me the tape and told me how amazing giving birth would be. She said that pushing to bring you here would be the most amazing feeling and experience of my life. That was the first time I heard from anyone that pushing was a positive thing. Her words changed my very outlook on delivery and I was so excited for us to start this journey together. After our session I went to my mom's house, your Grandma Kit's, and talked with her about life and ate crackers and cheese. She asked me, "When do you want to have this baby?" and I said, "Today! Today would be great!" Then I met your daddy and we drove to my 37 week appointment.

Our doctor said the magic words, it was time to get to the hospital and start working towards your delivery. The rest is history and when I think about the last few things I did before becoming a mother, I can't help but think God was guiding me. He lead me to your Great Grandma's house, who turned a worried, terrified girl into a peaceful and excited woman ready to be a mother, ready and excited to push my heart out. He lead me to your Grandma's house where I said it out loud, I was ready for you! Those last few actions that allowed me to let go of all my fears, accept whatever and whoever you were going to be and love and appreciate every moment of it.

I'd like to think that I have kept that outlook, an easy feat because you are such an angel! Now one year later, cruising around furniture, copy catting every word sound and action you see, laughing and being silly, showing me things you find on the ground, adding "up" and "tub" to your growing vocab, trying to feed your spaghetti to your dad, scrunching your nose and showing your cutest bottom two teeth when we say "say cheese!" and take your picture. Wrapping both arms around my neck and giving me a tight hug and saying "ohh" while you're at it. Signing "more" over and over until you've eaten two whole oranges. Throwing both hands up and saying "I did it!" Looking out the window of the car like your contemplating the meaning of the universe. Who are you Hayes? I'd like to think I know you pretty well, but I also know I have seen only a glimpse of the person you will grow to be.

Thank you for choosing us, Hayes. We will spend the rest of our lives trying to qualify for such an honor and blessing. Your little brother is so lucky to have you and so are we.

Happy birthday, son! The world is yours.

Love,
Mom

12 comments:

Brooke said...

ahh his skinny jeans and shoes -- so cute!

www.keepfashion.wordpress.com

Griffin and Gretchen said...

happy birthday hayes!

Kimberly Ngarupe said...

I love that picture. Happy Birthday Haysies.

Anna Culp said...

Happy Birthday, Hayes! I love your positive feelings about his birth, especially because I had the opposite experience. I was not nervous, and then I was very disappointed and frustrated, and 10 days post-date felt like 10 months. But we were both so excited to welcome our children! And I like to hear what you say, because 10 weeks from now my daughter will be 1, and I just can't believe it! Already, I can feel her pulling away from me more each day, or rather, growing up in front of me. It's like the tiny baby snuggled perfectly on my torso is just a distant memory, and I miss her, but I wouldn't trade the excitement of seeing this little person grow and learn and move for anything. Sorry to use your comment as a personal sounding board! I guess you struck a chord with me.

Lindsay said...

I have chills Em! You are an amazing writer and Mother!

Nicole Christensen said...

Hayes looks so mature in this picture, it must be because he is one. Linds said it right. CHILLS! You ARE an incredible mother and i love that i get to spend time near you to witness it! Happiest birthday to Hayes. We LOVE him to pieces.

Kit said...

Oh, dear Emily.

My heart resonates with your monthly love letters!
And as I swallow the lump in my throat, I marvel at your innate mother wisdom, as well as the beauty with which you generously express it.

Your opening your mother's heart each month and letting us all get a poignant peek has given me 12 wondrous moments of deep joy. I will miss these monthly love letters! Yet, you are right. Hayes is not such an extension of you as he grows into his toddlerhood.

Reading each one not only renews the joy of my own motherhood, it enlarges it, because the feelings evoked are magnified by the joy that my grandson's have such a fiercely dedicated and loving mother. It's enlarged a hundred fold with the joy of knowing and loving you, my own daughter--- Such a wise woman has grown out of my own precious babe, Emily Elizabeth, who sang to me while she nursed at my breast!

You are not only living out loud, you are doing it with such grace and style and cadence and rhythm and vibe that you are singing--still singing-- your life, out loud.

And we are all blessed by your song!

Diana Smith said...

aww I bet it has gone by soo fast! My little girl is almost 8 months and I am like wait didn't I just find out that I was pregnant!! I miss those newborn stages and hopefully next time around I will appreciate them much more!

thobeka said...

Happy Birthday Hayes! So strange that I've been following your blog since before Hayes was born and we've never even met :) You have a great little growing family and wish you all the best!!

chari-o said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYES!!!!! I wish I was there for the party...sniff. Love yoU!

Jill said...

I must remember to grab tissues before I read your letters.

Happy Birthday Hayes!

Sarah loves it all said...

So beautiful. It's amazing how fast time goes. Hayes is a darling little boy and you seem like such a great mom.

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