free

we went to the most incredible 2nd of july party on saturday - pics to come - and hayes hit the dessert table a little too hard. if he stood on his tippy toes he could reach just about anything on the dessert table & he was unstoppable. by the end of the night he was double fisting someone else's blue lollies & a complete mess. physically & mentally just sloppy as can be. we had to scrape him off the grass (that he was sifting through looking for other kids' candy droppings) and get him to bed earlier than planned.


i was starting to get a little bummed on the drive home that we wouldn't be able to watch the fireworks close up, feeling shackled to doing what's best for our tiny guy. letting my thoughts drift to a month from now when we'll have another tiny guy & starting to feel under-qualified & a bit terrified.


we got hayes home after a quiet ride home, i put something a little healthy in his tummy, wiped down his sticky fingers, eyebrows, hair & chin, helped guide his tired arms and legs into his footie pajamas and stroked his baby blonde hair while he drank his warm bottle down eyes half closed. i said my usual prayer with him, told him how much i loved him & went through the list of people who love him too. he was asleep before i could tuck him in & give his back one last brush by.


russ brought the ladder onto our back porch and laughed until i cried trying to climb up to our roof without pulling a muscle-- or worse. the wind was whipping through our hair, making for the most perfectly cool summer evening. i looked over the valley that i grew up in, that i love, and saw fireworks exploding from every direction. it couldn't have been more perfect & it was romantic without even trying  to be. 


we talked about the upcoming year, what we're worried about, what we're excited for. 
i soon forgot my disappointment at calling it a night early. it was such a good mirror to life being up on that roof, a little scared, a little exhilarated, aware & yet a little removed from the rest of the world. holding tight to my best friend & my partner in life. feeling so incredibly lucky that i get be in this season of life, striving to be good at it. grateful that because of where i live, the time i'm in, and the dedication of those around me, i have the freedom to do what i absolutely love unoppressed.


more 4th of july weekend to come...