5.11.2012

things i'm afraid to tell you

have you seen this series floating around? started by Creature Comforts in effort to bring some transparency and realism to a usually candy-coated blogging world. i strive to keep things pretty real here, but i can always use a little more honesty in my life.

01. if you want me to shut down on you, start ripping on your body. how fat your thighs are, how your nose is crooked, or whatever your body-beef may be. i can't stand it. now, i totally get being unsatisfied with the way you look or feel, and quietly doing something about it, just leave me out of it, or you'll have one bummed out friend. i'm not saying that i have the best self-esteem, or the most solid self-love and appreciation, but holy cow my body is incredible and so is yours. all that it does for me everyday, how my heart and lungs literally never get a break. what an amazing gift. it may be imperfect, but it shows up for me everyday and it could fall apart and say "i'm done, no more!" but it doesn't. i'm afraid to tell you this because maybe you'll think that i think i'm better than you, not true at all, but i am grateful for this imperfect body of mine.

02. my parents are having a Hollywood-style knock-down drag-out post-divorce dual lawsuit and it is a mess. it makes me so angry and sad and scared. they both think that they're right, and while i see right and wrong in each of their stories, there's no gray area in court. there's one winner and one loser, and right now it feels like the tsunami wave is building, building, building and it's going to leave nothing but destruction in its wake. it's my nature to try and solve the problem, bring the two parties together to fix things, but i don't think they want to be fixed, i think they want to be the victor. it feels like someone's sitting on my chest at all times, and i'm afraid to tell you because i don't want to hear who you think should win. i don't want winners and losers, i just want my parents back and i want peace.

03. with the exception of a handful of my upper division classes, i did the bare minimum in college and i wish i could go back and give it more effort. i hardly remember some of the books i read, the characters, the plots are all distant memories. i know i gave it a really good go, but so much got in the way - like a part-time job in addition to my full-time job and having fun with my husband. i'm afraid to tell you because i don't want you to think i didn't really earn my bachelor's degree, like i'm some sort of fraud. when the awesome Danielle at Sometimes Sweet asked me to share my favorite book yesterday, all i could think of were the piles of books i hadn't read yet that were probably better than the ones i was suggesting, which is so dumb. head over to read all about my picks!

pink floyd burn-out tee JUNK FOOD chevron necklace NATIVE utility jacket H&M maxi mullet skirt COTTON ON platforms TARGET ($8.98!) 
04. sometimes my husband looks at me and i get the feeling that i must be the most annoying person in the world. i know he loves me, but when i feel like an annoying, nagging, fun-sucking wife or worse, a mother figure to him, it makes me die a little inside. i'm afraid to tell you because then i'll feel like i've somehow lost a part of myself - the part that makes me fun or carefree or who i am at the core.

05. i rarely give myself a figurative "pat on the back" as a mother. i am pretty hard on myself and always in my own head wondering how i failed or how i can do better. but, on sunday at church, we sat next to another family with small kids. Hayes had a few handful of tiny cars and the boy next to him had a stuffed Mickey Mouse. Hayes eyed that mouse and i sat without blinking waiting for him to take it from the boy. my heart leapt when i saw him hand his cars to the boy and the ask "i want mick-a mowssse?" the sweet boy gave him Mickey and played with Hayes' cars for a minute or two. it was such a proud moment for me. i have been driving the "trade" idea home with Hayes - if he wants someone else's toy he has to offer them a trade first. to see him do it without any parental prompting made my eyes well up with tears. i'm afraid to tell you, because it's totally bragging.

06. i watched this video and after i was done sobbing, i registered as an organ donor. you can register in your state online and it took me 30 seconds. i'm afraid to tell you because i while i would love to appear like i think of everything and am always ready and willing to give where i can, i don't and i'm not.



i hope you all have a wonderful weekend and can find the courage to say what's on your mind - to whoever needs to hear it. we're heading out to a weekend away with friends where the pools open before Memorial Day ... i'm looking at you Orem.

22 comments:

Meg Morley Walter said...

Thanks for writing this. So refreshing.

Kaylea said...

love the honesty here. i so feel you on #1. enough with the body bashing. we are women and we are beautiful! and you definitely deserve a pat on the back AND a high five for being such a great mama. have a great mothers day!

Mara and Jae said...

love this. props to you, my friend, for writing what's really on your mind. have a most fabulous mother's day weekend away :) you deserve it.

Weezie said...

Love this series - discovered it on CC, too, and am so glad other bloggers are speaking up. I am right there with you on #s 3 & 4. I could have done so much better in college if I had just stopped procraftinating (yes, that's procrastinating via crafting)!

aubry. said...

winning, losing... have you read this? http://drkellyflanagan.com/2012/03/02/marriage-is-for-losers/

sarah marie. said...

i'm so sorry about your parents. my parents are divorced too and i think it's always a hard thing. no matter what. but what you're going through is the worst because you see your parents as people and not as your parents who are always protecting you. hang in there. and you're awesome for sharing these things.

Howard Family said...

This post was awesome. I realize maybe bloggers don't want to be Debbie Downers, but if more people were this honest in their posts, instead of just posting the very very best highlights of their life, it would ease the temptation to play the comparison game. I am sorry about your parents....I know that chest-constricting feeling and it's not fun. I hope it all works out. And I am one of those people in #1 who spend 80% of the day wishing my body was different/prettier/skinnier/better. But at least for today I'll be happy my heart & lungs are still going. :) Thank you.

{Erica} said...

I've been reading and inspired by your blog for a while now and I just couldn't pass up this post with out commending you on keeping it real.

I don't find joy in your challenges...but rather find a common thread. There are parts that when I read them I want to shout "Me Too!".

It's always grand to know that even in the most realistic parts of real life...the not so grand parts, the parts that pull us, that there are others out there doing and going through the same thing!

I always tell myself this and it helps me.

Kuddos on this post and your courage. Refreshing indeed!

Heather said...

LOVE this. Love, love, love.

Mandy said...

I love this and it's something I talked about with friends last night. You don't really understand what anyone goes through, because we all experience hard things (and happy things like Hayes sharing!) alone. I think we understand each other better when we just share them and I think it's great you were brave enough to share yours.

Alie said...

Thank you for inspiring me! I posted one too: http://blog.doublejones.com/2012/05/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you/

You are awesome. I love how you feel about your body, because you're right! It's incredible!

Kent and Leisy said...

em- thanks for the post. you are awesome.

chari-o said...

love you.

Heather said...

Beautiful post! And I literally have mascara streaks down my face from crying through that video! I'd heard of Ruby's story a little bit, but I'd never seen this. I had NO IDEA it was my friend Matt Taylor's baby! I knew him from my BYU-Hawaii days. What an inspiring, strong family!

Elaine said...

loved this

CarlyC said...

this was so awesome, thank you so much, sometimes i feel like i dont know whats normal in terms of my life compared to others, so this was nice to know other people are going through things too

Penny in Pink said...

That was a really good post. It sucks when your parents get divorced, no matter how old you are. I hope you can find your peace.

tallia said...

yes! This kind of thing gives me hope, you know! I really feel you on every single one of these. Especially number one. Now if everyone would be like this in real life too, not just blogs, I think everyone would be happier and conversations would be way more interesting. You really need to come to pizza night.because I need more truth tellers.in my life.

kristen said...

this was just so so beautiful and moving and real. and you are just so beautiful and real and inspirational. thank you so much for sharing.

Unknown said...

Loved the honesty post, so refreshing to read! Ruby's story was so moving, I've always been on the fence for some reason about being and organ donor, but I signed up this morning!

iamahoneybee.com said...

Great honest post.

I'm sorry about your parents and their court battle. I know how draining it is as my mom and step dad are in the middle of their owne divorce.. started Nov 2010. I lost a whole half of my famly as his side no longer speaks to me. It's fustrating that we spent so many weekends and holidays together and now I don't hear from anyone. I was draggeed into the middle when I didn't want to be. I also see who is right and wrong but it doesn't matter as so much is messed up.

I'm sorry you also have to deal with it. It is so crushing. xoxo

Erica said...

i loved this. loved.
thanks for being so open. so refreshing as we all have these types of things. make me feel more "normal!"
loved!!

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