things i'm afraid to tell you

have you seen this series floating around? started by Creature Comforts in effort to bring some transparency and realism to a usually candy-coated blogging world. i strive to keep things pretty real here, but i can always use a little more honesty in my life.

01. if you want me to shut down on you, start ripping on your body. how fat your thighs are, how your nose is crooked, or whatever your body-beef may be. i can't stand it. now, i totally get being unsatisfied with the way you look or feel, and quietly doing something about it, just leave me out of it, or you'll have one bummed out friend. i'm not saying that i have the best self-esteem, or the most solid self-love and appreciation, but holy cow my body is incredible and so is yours. all that it does for me everyday, how my heart and lungs literally never get a break. what an amazing gift. it may be imperfect, but it shows up for me everyday and it could fall apart and say "i'm done, no more!" but it doesn't. i'm afraid to tell you this because maybe you'll think that i think i'm better than you, not true at all, but i am grateful for this imperfect body of mine.

02. my parents are having a Hollywood-style knock-down drag-out post-divorce dual lawsuit and it is a mess. it makes me so angry and sad and scared. they both think that they're right, and while i see right and wrong in each of their stories, there's no gray area in court. there's one winner and one loser, and right now it feels like the tsunami wave is building, building, building and it's going to leave nothing but destruction in its wake. it's my nature to try and solve the problem, bring the two parties together to fix things, but i don't think they want to be fixed, i think they want to be the victor. it feels like someone's sitting on my chest at all times, and i'm afraid to tell you because i don't want to hear who you think should win. i don't want winners and losers, i just want my parents back and i want peace.

03. with the exception of a handful of my upper division classes, i did the bare minimum in college and i wish i could go back and give it more effort. i hardly remember some of the books i read, the characters, the plots are all distant memories. i know i gave it a really good go, but so much got in the way - like a part-time job in addition to my full-time job and having fun with my husband. i'm afraid to tell you because i don't want you to think i didn't really earn my bachelor's degree, like i'm some sort of fraud. when the awesome Danielle at Sometimes Sweet asked me to share my favorite book yesterday, all i could think of were the piles of books i hadn't read yet that were probably better than the ones i was suggesting, which is so dumb. head over to read all about my picks!

pink floyd burn-out tee JUNK FOOD chevron necklace NATIVE utility jacket H&M maxi mullet skirt COTTON ON platforms TARGET ($8.98!) 

04. sometimes my husband looks at me and i get the feeling that i must be the most annoying person in the world. i know he loves me, but when i feel like an annoying, nagging, fun-sucking wife or worse, a mother figure to him, it makes me die a little inside. i'm afraid to tell you because then i'll feel like i've somehow lost a part of myself - the part that makes me fun or carefree or who i am at the core.

05. i rarely give myself a figurative "pat on the back" as a mother. i am pretty hard on myself and always in my own head wondering how i failed or how i can do better. but, on sunday at church, we sat next to another family with small kids. Hayes had a few handful of tiny cars and the boy next to him had a stuffed Mickey Mouse. Hayes eyed that mouse and i sat without blinking waiting for him to take it from the boy. my heart leapt when i saw him hand his cars to the boy and the ask "i want mick-a mowssse?" the sweet boy gave him Mickey and played with Hayes' cars for a minute or two. it was such a proud moment for me. i have been driving the "trade" idea home with Hayes - if he wants someone else's toy he has to offer them a trade first. to see him do it without any parental prompting made my eyes well up with tears. i'm afraid to tell you, because it's totally bragging.

06. i watched this video and after i was done sobbing, i registered as an organ donor. you can register in your state online and it took me 30 seconds. i'm afraid to tell you because i while i would love to appear like i think of everything and am always ready and willing to give where i can, i don't and i'm not.



i hope you all have a wonderful weekend and can find the courage to say what's on your mind - to whoever needs to hear it. we're heading out to a weekend away with friends where the pools open before Memorial Day ... i'm looking at you Orem.